Who Am I That My Sufferings Are?

The last few months have been challenging for me because I finally confronted some of my long standing issues while on my infinite journey of learning. One of my challenges was having a huge amount of sensitivity around being judged especially by my loved ones. This made me feel angry, disrespected, unloved, and extremely defensive.

While suffering about being judged, I was also noticing that in my mind, I too judge them without being aware of what I am actually doing. I judge them for what they say or don’t say, for their actions, their likes and dislikes and their preferences.

I was coached about this issue and I learned that in spite of disliking what other people have said or done about me, I must acknowledge that my own verbal expression or even thoughts about my unsolicited opinion of others is, in fact, a judgment of them. When I judge others, even if I don’t talk about it, I carry the negative energy with me.

I also learned that if I do not like what other people, including my loved ones, have said about me, I can look at it as a painful opportunity to love them as they are and to affirm their rights to be who they are. I should have love and compassion for them, as well as for myself, and disengage from the story that something is wrong with either of us. It is important that I do not act out of fear and I offer them what I expect from them unconditionally.

The learning has had a tremendous impact on my relationships and my interactions. I have stopped taking things personally and have started to curb my sensitivities around the conversations I have with my loved ones. I am trying to create a peaceful atmosphere for open and authentic communication and I intentionally refrain from judging them by reminding myself that my judgments are my assessments only and not the truth.

The other challenge I was faced with was a sudden rejection and withdrawal of a loved one, my own flesh and blood, which truly shattered my life. Considering my experiences in life and the hardships I have gone through, I always thought that I can deal with almost any kind of problem or difficulty, but I was wrong.

I was devastated and my heart was filled with utter sadness and sorrow. I felt judged and victimized, I felt that everything that I have done thus far has not been appreciated, I felt I am being abandoned and this made me feel defeated and helpless. I noticed that I am more or less at the mercy of the person who wants to cut communications and this imposed a lot of hurt feelings and suffering on me.  

A red flag was raised for me and I was coached to contemplate on a deep spiritual shift. The process was intense and I had the chance to look at my challenges from a different perspective and to consider digging into my own personal aspects of essence. Here is a summary of what I learned:

Essence/Self/Spirit by definition is an intrinsic nature and the most significant quality in a person which can be lost or can atrophy if we are not aware of it. Love, Peace, Value, Strength and Will are aspects of essence.

When we are with people whom we love we feel joy but when they withdraw we feel the emptiness, a hole, as if we have lost parts of ourselves. In other words, the emptiness we had was temporarily filled by a person who made us feel loved but when that person is gone we do not feel loved any more and the emptiness is still there. The hole may have originated in our childhood because our parents did not see or acknowledge our value thus we remained uninformed and unaware of our own aspects of essence and consequently, the essence stopped manifesting and more holes were created.

Our emotions of sadness, feeling hurt, jealousy, anger, hatred and fear are indications of holes and they point to where our aspects of essence has been lost. When we suffer, the intensity of our pain is the indication of the depth of the lost essence. If we stay with the hurt and go all the way into the sense of emptiness we will get to the essence that has been lost.

Our growth is helped by our essence and when there are conflicts in our lives, instead of suffering, we should look within for the lost essence and dismantle the barriers that prevent us from understanding and getting to our personal aspects of essence.

In short, I learned that I should observe my emotions and my reactions, understand the patterns, and see the connections between those emotions and the loss of various aspects of my essence.

Learning about essence has given me a new perspective and the strength to not cling to anything or anyone. I am encouraged to look beyond the suffering of day to day life and be a keen observer of my problems instead of getting lost in them. This is hard work but a joyful practice and I am forward looking and excited about my progress.

During the learning process, and going along with a family tradition, I also did a Hafiz* reading and I heard his words of wisdom in relation to my challenges at hand. Hafiz is a great Sufi Master and one of the most beloved poets of Persia. The poem, entitled “Please” read as follows:

We are at

The Nile’s end.

We are carrying particles

From every continent, creature, and age.

It has been raining on the plains

Of our vision for millions of years

And our senses

Are so muddy compared to Yours – dear God,

But I only hear these words from You

Where we are all trying to embrace

The Clear Sky – Ocean,

“Dear one, come.

Please,

My dear ones,

Come.”

I realized that even Hafiz is calling my attention to my essence which is divine and the most significant quality in all humans.

I still have a long way to go but at least now, I have an awareness of a tool to face my journey with.

______

* The Gift, Poems by Hafiz, Translations by Daniel Ladinsky 1999

To be continued…….

The Night at CIBO's

My daughter recently purchased her first home which was a scary process for her, but it was almost as if it was meant to be, the way everything fell into place in every aspect. It was amazing that she loved the house at first sight and she also became best friends with the young lady who was her next door neighbor in a matter of few months.

During this time, my daughter discovered how similar her life has been to her neighbor’s even though our families each came from a different part of the world. For instance, her neighbor’s mother currently lives with her daughter, and I also had planned to live with my daughter as of next month. Realizing the things we had in common, the four of us agreed to have a dinner together during which it became so clear that we have been living parallel lives – meaning that our lives have been similar and comparable in many ways in terms of direction, course, and nature including what we had gone through and the challenges we were facing.

We the mothers have both been divorced, we each have a son and a daughter who are in their 30s and 40s, the girls were both born in November, and the boys were both born in October. Both sons are living down South - one in Florida and one in Louisiana. None of our children are married nor do they have children, and both sons keep a certain distance from their mother and sister for reasons similar to both families.

The Mom told us that at the time of divorce she kneeled in front of her husband and begged him not to leave her, and I shared that at the time of my divorce I was praying to God that he will kneel in front of me and beg me not to leave but he did not.

The Mom told us about her own Mom’s experience talking to a Gypsy and how everything she predicted had come true, and I shared my experience with a Russian lady in Iran who read my life and everything she predicted has come true, except for one prediction that I am still waiting for.

The daughter told us that no fortune teller has ever been able to read her so far and she was wondering about the reason. I searched the issue on the internet and I learned that the quality of our energy, our health condition at the time of reading, and being overworked or tired are among the reasons. 

The Mom told us about how she quit smoking (2 packs a day) with the help of a hypnotist, and I told them about my battle with breast cancer and how lucky I am to be a survivor.

The Mom told us that she lost her parents at the very young age and that her mother had a miscarriage of a daughter before having her. I shared that I was taken away from my mother by my father at the age of two because of their divorce and that my mother also had a miscarriage of a girl before having me.

It was interesting that both Moms liked Merlot wine, and both girls liked pumpkin and banana flavor in everything.

I was so intrigued and mystified by the similarity of our lives that I started to search and read about parallel lives and their significance. At one time I came across an internet commercial about a soon to be published book called “Parallel” which talks about collision of parallel worlds where your past is no more yours, and your future belongs to someone else!

The experience of the night at CIBO’s was very memorable for the four of us - the Moms and the daughters. We hope to involve our boys in this mystery of our parallel lives someday, but more importantly, the love and friendship that has developed during this short period of time is something that we will all cherish for ever. 

To be continued....

UNTIL.....

2013 for me began with a long anticipated surgical procedure in mid-January which required for me to be under anesthesia in excess of five hours. I was very anxious about this, knowing that anxiety and distress of mind is caused by fear of danger. However, I also knew of other surgical procedures that require longer hours of anesthesia from which patients safely recover.

A few days before surgery I opened the book of Hafiz who is one of the great Persian poets of more than seven centuries ago. Many people around the world believe that his words signify reception of spiritual wisdom. He was known as Tongue of the Hidden and Teller of Secrets. The book* that I was using was an English translation of some of his poems. The following short poem entitled “Until” was on the page that I opened and read as follows:

“I think we are frightened every

Moment of our lives

Until we

Know

Him”

I felt a sense of immediate relief and conviction that all is well and my anxiety diminished a great deal. Fascinated by his words of wisdom I continued to read the next pages and I came across another poem entitled “I learned so much” which astounded me. How could he have these thoughts seven or more centuries ago? The poem read as follows:

“I

Have

Learned

So much from God

That I can no longer

Call

Myself

A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim,

A Buddha, a Jew.

The Truth has shared so much of Itself

With me

That I can no longer call myself

A man, a woman, an angel,

Or even pure soul.

Love has

Befriended Hafiz so completely

It has turned to ash

And freed

Me

Of every concept and image

My mind has ever known”

The collection of poems of Hafiz known as Divan is found in the homes of most people in Iran as well as elsewhere in the world, most of whom, learn his poems by heart. My own father was able to recite most of his poems. The tomb of Hafiz is in Shiraz – Iran surrounded by a garden of roses and it is documented that the Mausoleum or Shrine was designed by a French archaeologist and architect.

The tomb of Hafiz

February was the month of physical and emotional healing for me. I had to be patient with the pain and restoration process of my surgery. In addition to medical remedies, I tried to tap into my own inner resources to heal and to feel better. I believe that the healing force is within us and using my professional nursing skills I helped myself to regain health and to become whole again.

At the same time I was planning for the Persian New Year and the spring celebrations in March. I was excited that my son who lives in Louisiana was going to join me and my daughter in Phoenix and we were going to have a wonderful time together. Alas, to my total disappointment he informed us that he is not able to come. My reaction was total devastation and emotional breakdown. I was heart broken and could not find the strength to gain my emotional balance.

I was surprised at myself and alarmed by my own disproportionate desperateness and the way that I reacted. I was feeling helpless. It suddenly dawned on me that I needed to evaluate my own spiritual strengths and to find out more about who I am in order to be able to help myself. I decided to draft a short questionnaire and use it as a self-test. The questions were as follows:

1. Am I relying on others for my happiness?
2. Am I fighting the fact instead of dealing with it?
3. Do I have the ability to accept what I can not change?
4. Am I clinging to what I want?
5. Am I pursuing things outside of myself instead of looking within?
6. Is this the vanity of my ego?

My goal was to see things as they really are in order to learn about my weaknesses in dealing with the situation at hand. The test results were an eye opener for me and I realized that my knowledge and awareness, when it comes to real life situations, is at the theoretical level and I can not apply the knowledge right away. I needed to expand my learning to an applicable level by practicing and doing what I know. I also needed a support group from whom I could get the essential feedback on my path of learning.

I know that I have to work hard and I have a long road ahead of me but I feel that I must do that if I want the joyous life that I deserve.

My journey continues and I am still learning to relax in the present and to welcome, learn from, and make the best of whatever that comes my way. As Hugh Prather once said:

“Your life is not in advance of you. You are not pushing a cart; you are riding one. This means that you may not only trust your life as a whole, you may also trust every instant of it. It really is safe to be happy now”.

_____________________________

* The Gift, Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master, Translated by Daniel Ladinsky, 1999.

 To be continued……

MY LIFE IN SHORT STORIES: 9. AMERICA, STARTING FROM ZERO

It was December 1995 and I was preparing to relocate to the United States of America and join my children. This time I was not going there as a tourist but I was entering with a permit allowing me to live and work there and a wonderful American immigration lawyer was guiding me through the whole legal process. I had always dreamed of living in America and sending my children there, and here we were.

In the papers I had received it was stated that I was eligible to live and work in the U.S. because I was an alien with extraordinary abilities. This by definition meant that I was among the small percentage of people who have risen to the very top of their field of endeavor. After all, I was a graduate nurse from an American university; I was an educator with graduate and post graduate education; and I had more than a decade of experience in international health as a consultant with the World Health Organization.

In my mind I was pleased and proud of myself for being recognized for my 30 years of education and hard work and, consequently, I developed high expectations and imagined a very heart warming welcome to the U.S. job market! Alas, I was wrong and soon I realized that here I have to start from zero again.

What I was hearing from most of the recruiters and employers was not so promising or encouraging. I was told:

• You have no work experience in the U.S.
• Our employees have seniority over you
• You need to get a license to be able to work here
• You need U.S. references
• You are over qualified for the job
• Etc.

Feeling disappointed and overwhelmed I started to reorganize my thoughts and prioritize the big challenges that were ahead of me. I needed an income, a place to live in, a license to work with, and all the help that I could get. Who I was, and what I did before, was irrelevant here.

As a parent who went through an Islamic Revolution in Iran and who single handedly left the country and supported the upbringing and education of her two children, it was not the time for me to get worried now; it was time to work harder and to succeed, even if it meant to start from zero.

I believe that parents and children whose countries go through political upheaval and revolution have no time or chance to deal with or even acknowledge the traumas they endure. In fact being separated from friends, family, and country, and adjusting to culture shocks and social changes are not even addressed and talked about because we are too busy to make it and to succeed. My children and I, together with many other Iranians are in this category.

Marina Del Ray Fishing Village

Marina Del Ray

I remember that upon arrival in the Los Angeles airport I had to fill out a short questionnaire and the last question was about my affiliations with any of the two political parties. Having been born and raised in a country with single party elections or no elections at all I was quite amused with the question and I did not know what to answer. I finally wrote: I do not have enough political education and thus have no affiliations at this time. That was my true answer.

I chose to reside in Los Angeles, CA because I had a number of family and friends who lived and worked there. I also loved the weather and the combination of ocean and natural beauties. As a renter I lived and worked in a few nice locations such as West LA, Palms, and Marina Del Ray and I visited many places in California such as San Diego, San Francisco, etc.

Marina Del Ray

Marina Del Ray Apartments

I obtained my nursing license in February 1997 and my first job as a staff nurse was for a few hours a day with minimum hourly payment. I should add here that I had already worked as a staff nurse, head nurse, supervisor, and department head in my own country and as a senior educator and consultant with the World Health Organization in the South East Asia Region.

In the same year I was recruited again by WHO for a short-term consultancy in Indonesia and when I completed my assignment I used the opportunity to go to Iran and visit my father who was ill. Upon arrival in the Tehran airport my Iranian passport was kept by the immigration counter and when I questioned it they told me that they will return it to me when I want to leave Iran again. I stayed in Iran for three weeks but when I went to the airport for departure they did not give me my passport back and they told me that I have to go back to the immigration office in town the next day and pick it up myself. I was devastated thinking that I am trapped there for ever. Fortunately I had my United Nation’s passport (Lesser Passer) and I presented it to one of the supervisors and he gave me my Iranian passport back and they let me leave. That was the last time I went to Iran and the last time I saw my father before he passed away.

In July 2001 my application for naturalization was approved and, in a special ceremony, I, together with 2500 other people, took the oath of allegiance before a judge and were sworn in as U.S. citizens. The ceremony was quite touching for me and brought tears to my eyes. However, to my surprise, there were a number of people sitting around me who did not stand up, who did not repeat the words after the judge, and did not hold the flag in their hands. This was a proud moment for me, and I found their behavior quite disrespectful. However, there were no objections from the authorities concerned.

San Diego

After getting my citizenship I continued to work as before but I kept changing my place of work for better positions. I also worked for a few years in Arizona where my daughter lived. Being a breast cancer survivor I had to have another surgery in 2001 and after that I left the nursing job and switched to teaching at a college of nursing and a university as a part-time lecturer. The sad thing is that when I look back at my work history within the United States I feel that I have always been underutilized and I have never been able to use my creativity in ways that I get job satisfaction.

In August 2011 I lost my job the same way many others did at that time, but I have never stopped looking for my dream job and I hope that one day, the recruiting processes change and the employers look for, recognize, and value creativity in job-seekers especially in seniors. Despite our age and because of our years of experience and wisdom, we have so much to offer but are easily overlooked.


To be continued......

My Life in Short Stories: 8. Connecting with Joy

Poinsettia Flower

It is December, the end of the year and the time for traditional celebrations. The above painting was done by my dear sister in law Marie and I am sharing it here in the spirit of the season to wish everyone Merry Christmas and happy 2013.

My brother and Marie, with their beloved dog Tatiana

This picture was taken when I visited them in Calgary in 1990.

1992 - 1995
Dhaka, Bangladesh

It was 1992 and I had just started a new assignment with the World Health Organization in Bangladesh. The country is in South Asia bordered by India and Burma/Myanmar. Bangladesh was formerly known as East Pakistan and after independence endured famine, natural disasters, widespread poverty, and political turmoil. Our project was about health manpower development aiming at lowering the high maternal and infant mortality rates. I was stationed in Dhaka, the capital city.

River and transportation boats in Dhaka

Lalbagh Fort in Dhaka 17th century

From the very beginning of my assignment I felt depressed and totally unprepared to witness or deal with the poverty and the suffering that was going on around me. I was so distraught that in the second week of my stay in Dhaka I called my life coach in California and asked him to talk to me and help me regain my emotional balance. He listened to me patiently while I was crying and trying hard to express my feelings. Finally, when I calmed down, he said “ask yourself why you are in Bangladesh, and when you come up with a true answer try to embrace and accept that answer.” He emphasized the importance of acceptance and he reminded me that every life situation has a lot to teach us. He left me with a lot of thoughts and ideas to ponder.

A fruit market in Dhaka

On those very same days I came across the books and teachings of Pema Chodron who talks about a whole new way of looking at suffering and the ways to connect with the joy in our heart. She says “acknowledging the preciousness of each day is a good way to live, a good way to reconnect with our basic joy. You are here to realize your kinship with all humanity and to learn that you have a share in whatever everyone else has and is.”

Lichees in Dhaka, only in the month of June

Pondering on what I was reminded of by my teachers, encouraged me to pay more attention to the things I could cherish, appreciate, and see as good instead of hanging on to sorrow and sadness. I joined a meditation group of expatriates in Dhaka and I let my mind rest in its natural state by practicing regularly. Working with a devoted group of Bangladeshi nurses, midwives, and doctors became my central focus and my professional joy. I was witnessing the group members’ progress and productivity as we embarked on the journey of strategic planning. I could see and feel their concern and love for their country as they learned with interest and curiosity and worked hard every day and for long hours. As a result a long-term plan of action was produced and resources were secured for its implementation and evaluation. I also visited other parts of the country and I came to enjoy and appreciate the simplicity of life, the culture and the natural beauties of Bangladesh.

The working group

My Bangladeshi colleagues

Throughout my stay in Bangladesh I used my vacation time to visit my sisters whom I had not seen for a long time. At one time my son and I traveled to Marbella, Spain to visit my younger sister Farimah and her husband who lived there. We were seeing each other after a long period of separation following the Islamic revolution in Iran.

With my younger sister in Marbella, Spain

With my son and my sister in Marbella, Spain

My sister with her beloved Cat 

In my second trip to Spain in 1994 my other younger sister Azar also joined us from Luxembourg and the three of us had a wonderful time together. I still remember her as the little girl who was holding my mother’s hand when they came to my school to see me for the first time. Both sisters have a special place in my heart and are a source of joy in my life.

My younger sister who joined us from Luxembourg 

I also visited Kathmandu  Nepal and I never forget the view of Himalayas from the plane and the country’s beautiful sceneries and Hindu temples. Since our regional office was in New Delhi I got the chance to visit India a few times. The country is fascinating and there is a lot to explore and to enjoy.

The watching eyes in Kathmandu

Colorful Spices in Kathmandu

A beautiful scenery in Kathmandu

My WHO family in New Delhi , India

In 1995 my assignment in Bangladesh came to an end and I joined my children in the United States of America. In the same year my daughter graduated from the university with a Business degree and I had the chance to attend her graduation.

My daughter's graduation

I went back to Indonesia during 1997 and 1998 for short-term assignments but the last time I was there I witnessed the start of an Islamic revolution much like the one we went through in Iran and they had to evacuate us for safety reasons. That was the end of my international service.



To be continued……

My Life in Short Stories: 7. I Am a Survivor

Indonesia
1986 - 1992

The plane was about to land in Sydney, Australia and looking from the window I could see the beautiful city lights and the fascinating sight of the Opera House. I was on a one week assignment on behalf of WHO to discuss and negotiate a graduate education program for the nurses who were going to graduate from the University of Indonesia. I was excited about the purpose of my trip and also to see Australia for the first time which is a four-hour flight from Jakarta.

The Opera House in Sydney, Australia

On that day I was very much pre-occupied with a health concern because right before leaving I had come across a hot and sensitive spot in my left breast during a routine self-examination which I performed regularly. I had not yet informed my doctor about it and I was planning to do so when I returned to Indonesia.

Coastal Scenery of Australia

I went to see my doctor right away after completion of my assignment in Australia and he agreed that the spot looks and feels suspicious but he will not know for sure until they use the frozen section method for pathological studies during surgery and reach to a conclusion. He also needed my consent to surgically remove the left breast while I was still under anesthesia in case the pathology results indicated cancer.

It is still so difficult to talk about my feelings after all these years, but I remember that I was devastated and I did not know how to deal with what I had just heard. I was wondering how to tell the news to my daughter who was at home and to my son who was far away from me in the United States. No other relatives around me. I didn't have much time to ponder on this however as the cancer could spread rapidly. I finally talked to my family and friends and went ahead with my doctor’s plan. When I opened my eyes after surgery I found out that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and they had to do a Mastectomy of my left breast.

The good news was that the cancer was localized and had not spread at all. I had a zero stage breast cancer and my early detection through regular self-examinations had paid off. I did not need to do chemotherapy but I did however need radiation treatments in order to deter the proliferation of local cancer cells.

My WHO Family

My WHO Family

I had to go to Europe all by myself to continue the treatment procedures that were not available to me in Indonesia at that time. Going through breast cancer was one of the most difficult experiences of my life both physically and emotionally and to have to leave my daughter behind and face this next phase alone, was quite devastating. I have never forgotten those cold and snowy nights in London where it was already dark at 4 pm and I had to walk back and forth to the hospital for my radiotherapy sessions. Moreover, I had to deal with my skin irritations due to side effects of radiations but I was grateful that my situation wasn't worse and a big consolation was that I will not lose my hair after radiotherapy.

Thankfully, with the support and the resources that were available to me on those days, everything went well and I can gladly say that I am a breast cancer survivor. I also would like to add here that surviving breast cancer is not just about beating the disease; it is about recovering from the physical and emotional toll that the experience takes on you and it is learning to feel whole and complete again. Yes I am permanently scarred and yes it still hurts to remember the experience, but my regular self-examination led to early detection and saved my life. For that, I will eternally be grateful.

Later in the year I attended the Canadian Nursing Convention in Ottawa I had the opportunity to meet Martha E. Rogers the American nurse researcher, theorist and author of many books including “An Introduction to the Theoretical Basis of Nursing” and also the concept of Unitary Health Care. In that same convention I had the pleasure of meeting Sister Callista Roy the American nurse theorist, writer, researcher and teacher who developed conceptual models in nursing including the Adaptation Model.

With Martha E. Rogers

With Sister Callista Roy

I was very excited about the first batch of nurses who graduated from the University of Indonesia in 1988 because this was one of the key expected outcomes of collaboration between the Government of Indonesia and the World Health Organization. A number of graduates were going to be sent for graduate education and to come back and serve the country as teachers and managers. This was unprecedented.

First Batch of Graduates

In 1988 my son who was studying in the United States graduated from Tulane University with an engineering degree and my daughter and I were able to travel to New Orleans and attend his graduation.

In New Orleans

My son's graduation

In 1989 in a WHO inter-country consultation in Thailand I had the pleasure of meeting and working with nurse leaders and educators from Thailand. I also had the opportunity to visit the country and learn about the people and their fascinating culture and traditions.

Inter-country Consultation in Thailand

In a famous temple in Bangkok, Thailand

A Buddhist temple from outside

In the Buddhist Temple

In Chiang Mai Thailand

In the mean time I had to go through another separation in my life, this time from my daughter who graduated from high school and left for the United States in 1989. While in the USA, my children had the opportunity to reunite with their father 10 years after having said good-bye to him in Iran. He was finally given permission to leave the country and was able to see his now 20 year old daughter, and 25 year old son. I only wish I could have been there to witness the moment when they first laid eyes on each other. I was later told by my daughter that there was of course a lot of tears and long lapses of just sitting and staring at each other, trying to take it all in and find ways to make up for the 10 years that were lost.

My Daughter's Graduation

In 1991 I had a reunion of my own when my younger half- sister from my mother’s side came to Indonesia to visit me. We had a wonderful time travelling to Bali and Malaysia together and I had no idea then, that this would be the last time I would see her. The political unrest and changes in Iran had taken a huge toll on her and her family, so she was under a lot of stress and was in too much emotional pain to pay attention to the ailments her body was facing.

My Sister Shirin

Alas, we lost her to breast cancer and stress diabetes in May 2005, neither of which the rest of us knew about until it was too late. It was almost as though she just no longer wanted to be here.

To be continued….