Self-worth is simply a declaration and does not have any
pre-requisites. Anyone can declare their self-worth by saying that – I have a
place in this world, I am uniquely me, and I have something to offer.
Self-esteem, on the other hand, happens in the listening of
others and it is an admiration for what we bring (self) to what we do. It has
to do with our actions and whether or not they produce value in the lives of others.
It is the contribution that we are, and whether we meet or exceed our own
standards. Confidence comes from what we are standing for.
According to psychologists childhood experiences of shame
can change who we are and how we think about ourselves and our sense of
self-worth. A child who is constantly blamed and shamed for different reasons
will ultimately believe that he/she is not good enough and is unworthy of
attention and affection. Destruction of self-worth leads to lack of self-love
which in turn is a pre-requisite to loving others. In time, the individual
becomes isolated and disengaged from society and can not be creative or
contribute to the lives of other people.
Brené Brown defines shame as” the intensely painful feeling
or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore, unworthy of love
and belonging.” For that reason shaming should never be used as a parenting tool
because it destroys self-worth and prevents us from engaging in our lives from
a place of worthiness. However, we should not keep blaming or shaming our
parents for having done that because as Louise Hay has said: “We are all victims of victims, and they
could not possibly have taught us or done anything they did not know. We need
to choose to release the past and forgive everyone, ourselves included.”
I then tried to introspect and see if I, as a mother, have
ever used shame as a parenting tool. My daughter told me that I have compared
her with a friend of hers in high school and have asked her why she is not in
the honor list of her school as frequently as her friend is. She hated to be
compared with someone else and still remembers the experience of not being good
enough. I also remembered that when my son graduated and was settling down in
his first apartment, I visited him a few times and I made comments about the
size of his apartment, the dishes he used, and similar remarks which upset him
and he said he remembers other things too. While my intention was good, my words
had registered with both of them as shame.
For the first time I shared my findings about myself with my
children and a few of my friends, and now with my readers. My courage to do
that and to be vulnerable was extremely helpful to me in terms of getting rid
of the heavy burden of shame and gaining more clarity in the light of truth.
Now I actually believe that no matter who we are and at what
age, we should identify and recognize the areas of shame we have suffered in
our childhood or in our lives as adults, and have the courage to own, to share,
and to engage with our own vulnerabilities. We may get emotional in the process
but we need to show the depth of our courage as our value which will lead us to
a renewed sense of ourselves. As stated by David Richo:
“Mental health is not
about what happened but how we manage what happened.”
Being vulnerable is also one of the important criteria in
self-expression especially when we are sharing our stories with others. We
should be authentic, able to show our emotions, able to reach out and able to
not show concern about other people’s judgments. This is practicing awareness
and courage, owning the stories, and developing resilience. We should remind
ourselves that we each are part of the grand design of life and our willingness
to go forward in spite of our vulnerabilities will enable us to access the
courage that we need because as PEMA CHÖDRÖN says:
“Deep down in the
human spirit there is a reservoir of courage. It is always available, always
waiting to be discovered.”
To be continued….
