Who Am I That My Sufferings Are?

The last few months have been challenging for me because I finally confronted some of my long standing issues while on my infinite journey of learning. One of my challenges was having a huge amount of sensitivity around being judged especially by my loved ones. This made me feel angry, disrespected, unloved, and extremely defensive.

While suffering about being judged, I was also noticing that in my mind, I too judge them without being aware of what I am actually doing. I judge them for what they say or don’t say, for their actions, their likes and dislikes and their preferences.

I was coached about this issue and I learned that in spite of disliking what other people have said or done about me, I must acknowledge that my own verbal expression or even thoughts about my unsolicited opinion of others is, in fact, a judgment of them. When I judge others, even if I don’t talk about it, I carry the negative energy with me.

I also learned that if I do not like what other people, including my loved ones, have said about me, I can look at it as a painful opportunity to love them as they are and to affirm their rights to be who they are. I should have love and compassion for them, as well as for myself, and disengage from the story that something is wrong with either of us. It is important that I do not act out of fear and I offer them what I expect from them unconditionally.

The learning has had a tremendous impact on my relationships and my interactions. I have stopped taking things personally and have started to curb my sensitivities around the conversations I have with my loved ones. I am trying to create a peaceful atmosphere for open and authentic communication and I intentionally refrain from judging them by reminding myself that my judgments are my assessments only and not the truth.

The other challenge I was faced with was a sudden rejection and withdrawal of a loved one, my own flesh and blood, which truly shattered my life. Considering my experiences in life and the hardships I have gone through, I always thought that I can deal with almost any kind of problem or difficulty, but I was wrong.

I was devastated and my heart was filled with utter sadness and sorrow. I felt judged and victimized, I felt that everything that I have done thus far has not been appreciated, I felt I am being abandoned and this made me feel defeated and helpless. I noticed that I am more or less at the mercy of the person who wants to cut communications and this imposed a lot of hurt feelings and suffering on me.  

A red flag was raised for me and I was coached to contemplate on a deep spiritual shift. The process was intense and I had the chance to look at my challenges from a different perspective and to consider digging into my own personal aspects of essence. Here is a summary of what I learned:

Essence/Self/Spirit by definition is an intrinsic nature and the most significant quality in a person which can be lost or can atrophy if we are not aware of it. Love, Peace, Value, Strength and Will are aspects of essence.

When we are with people whom we love we feel joy but when they withdraw we feel the emptiness, a hole, as if we have lost parts of ourselves. In other words, the emptiness we had was temporarily filled by a person who made us feel loved but when that person is gone we do not feel loved any more and the emptiness is still there. The hole may have originated in our childhood because our parents did not see or acknowledge our value thus we remained uninformed and unaware of our own aspects of essence and consequently, the essence stopped manifesting and more holes were created.

Our emotions of sadness, feeling hurt, jealousy, anger, hatred and fear are indications of holes and they point to where our aspects of essence has been lost. When we suffer, the intensity of our pain is the indication of the depth of the lost essence. If we stay with the hurt and go all the way into the sense of emptiness we will get to the essence that has been lost.

Our growth is helped by our essence and when there are conflicts in our lives, instead of suffering, we should look within for the lost essence and dismantle the barriers that prevent us from understanding and getting to our personal aspects of essence.

In short, I learned that I should observe my emotions and my reactions, understand the patterns, and see the connections between those emotions and the loss of various aspects of my essence.

Learning about essence has given me a new perspective and the strength to not cling to anything or anyone. I am encouraged to look beyond the suffering of day to day life and be a keen observer of my problems instead of getting lost in them. This is hard work but a joyful practice and I am forward looking and excited about my progress.

During the learning process, and going along with a family tradition, I also did a Hafiz* reading and I heard his words of wisdom in relation to my challenges at hand. Hafiz is a great Sufi Master and one of the most beloved poets of Persia. The poem, entitled “Please” read as follows:

We are at

The Nile’s end.

We are carrying particles

From every continent, creature, and age.

It has been raining on the plains

Of our vision for millions of years

And our senses

Are so muddy compared to Yours – dear God,

But I only hear these words from You

Where we are all trying to embrace

The Clear Sky – Ocean,

“Dear one, come.

Please,

My dear ones,

Come.”

I realized that even Hafiz is calling my attention to my essence which is divine and the most significant quality in all humans.

I still have a long way to go but at least now, I have an awareness of a tool to face my journey with.

______

* The Gift, Poems by Hafiz, Translations by Daniel Ladinsky 1999

To be continued…….